If you ask somebody what their favorite season is, chances are Spring or Summer will win out.
I get that. There’s something awe inspiring about everything bursting to new life after Winter, and Summer, with its sun-soaked lazy days, can be quite intoxicating.
But for me, nothing beats Fall. With its mild temperatures, azure skies, and Ozark hills blazing in red, gold, and orange. I think my soul was made for Fall.
Last weekend I made a trip across the top of Arkansas to visit family, and was left breathless by the beauty of this place. I pulled over a few times, trying to capture the colors, but my camera just couldn’t do it justice. And often, the best views were on treacherous curves, making it impossible to even attempt a picture.
This particular time, I was traveling alone, so I set my camera aside and just soaked in the view, leaning against my car for a few minutes here and there.
And it struck me: This is all an amazing display of death.
As gorgeous as they may be, these leaves are brightly hued because they are dying. And maybe I’m just a little slow, but I am beginning to realize that God shows himself just as magnificently in death and he does in life. And even though I should know this (isn’t the center of the gospel story one of death?) it’s like I’m just realizing this for the first time.
October, you have held a lot of death for me. Last October it was my baby, my Whitman, who was lost. This October, it is my marriage that is being laid to rest.
Those two sentence are so short, but packed with so much heartache. But even yet, I have seen God show himself in such stunning ways. Just when things look the bleakest, friends and loved ones have blazed red, gold, and orange on my horizon, lighting up the dark places. And I am grateful.
October, I will do my best to forgive you, you gloriously terrible month.
Praying for you during these difficult times. Love the new blog layout!!
Thank you Amanda! I’m grateful for prayer and I’m loving this new look too!
Wow, girl. You came back with a vengeance! “October, I will do my best to forgive you, you gloriously terrible month.” That gave me MAJA chills.
You know how to make me smile so huge Jen! Thank you, love.
Oh, Emily. This is really beautiful, and so sad, but beautifully hopeful. Full of life and love and reflective of God’s glory… just like you. You are in my prayers and I am holding my breath waiting for November to get here, just for you. You are surrounded by so many who love you and want so much GOOD for you starting NOW.
Now I’m teary up. THANK YOU Megan. xo
Hi emily! What a gorgeous blog!
I’m starting an Oklahoma Women Bloggers network. If you are interested in being a part of this, email me at OklahomaWomenBloggers(@)gmail.com and I’ll add you to our list.
Happy blogging!
Heather
http://www.minivan-momma.com
Well I don’t live in Oklahoma… but thanks!
SNORT!!!! Can you say “tone deaf”?
Prayers for you, Emily. So glad your voice is back in the blogosphere.
Glad to be back Mary! Thank you for joining me over here.
YES! Yes. This is gorgeous and profound.
And wouldn’t you know, but those beautiful, glorious leaves that fall, stripping the tree bare? They grow with fresh vitality in the spring.
And spring is coming.
Yes it is Kelly. Thank you!
Um, what Kelly said. I can’t top that. But I love ya and your words.
Well I love YOU too.
Beautiful strong woman.
Your brevity in words – the way you say the most important in the fewest – is incredibly powerful. A strong voice – a stronger character. As I already told you this week, I am sad for your pain. But I have learnt that stopping to drink in the views is an excellent way to fill up the inner void again bit by bit, and I see you know this trick with your Ozark Fall leaves.
Without ever having met you, I nevertheless way to say, proud of you. Your journey isn’t easy (oh, gentle understatement!), but it seems you know how to navigate nevertherless. And that’s rare and commendable.
I think you’re terrific, Em. (And sad you’ve ever sufffered).
Ali
This might be my favorite comment, ever. I’m framing it.
These are beautiful, God-breathed, heart-wrenching truths that you have written. Yes. Glory to God in all of it. The life, the death, and the life that comes after death. Amen.
Mmmmhmmm YES. xo
I’m heartbroken for you. You’ll be in my prayers.
Thank you Kodi! I appreciate that.
They shed their skin and become nearly a completely new creation in due time. I’m thinking the Spring is going to be so, so good. <3
I’m thinking the same thing, Ari!
I’m so sorry, Emily. This is a beautifully sorrowful post. I love autumn; I think it is a perfect example of how God brings forth beauty out of dying, as He has in Himself, as He labors to do in us.
Thank you Annie. I am just soaking in all the kind encouragement!
I totally agree. October is a gloriously terrible month.
It’s ever at odds, isn’t it? The beauty and pain mixing together.
Dang, girl. You made me cry. Beautiful, beautiful words.
Thank you. And thank you for words at breakfast this weekend. I just think you’re pretty awesome.
I love that you are back.
I hurt for you that you are back with these words, but the hope for spring that comes is seeping through your words & I love you for them.
Thanks BA! Glad to be back, writing, even through the tough stuff. I forget how therapeutic it is for me.
Ow. My heart hurts.
Ah, mine too Brad. Mine too.
Beautiful, poignant, true. I echo Kelly’s refrain: spring is coming. Thanks be to God.
Thinking of you often the last week Leigh. I think Spring is coming for us all. Let’s just hang on a little longer, okay?
Fall is my favorite season, too. Once my dad told me not to think of the fall as death; instead, celebrate fall as the harvest. It’s the culmination of all of your hard work. It’s a time when we have more than we know what to do with. Hang in there! Glad you’re back.
I like that thought. Not too surprising, I like you and Mr. Eddie quite a lot.
Thanks friend.
Emily, I was so glad to see your new blog yesterday. It’s been a long time since we’ve connected! October is, for me, the same mix of old and new, and it hits me (good and hard) every year. God bless you and may November be a beautiful new beginning. ~Elizabeth
Thank you Elizabeth! I was talking to Megan Tietz recently about that Moms Night Out we were all at in Tulsa in 2009. Feels like a lifetime ago!
I read this last night and couldn’t even formulate a comment; I knew it would probably not be what I wanted to tell you. First of all, this is a gorgeous post. There’s something to be said for a writer who can write God’s beauty through the terrible, not just the pretty. I so admire you for that. Secondly, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine the heartache stacked up heartache that these back to back Octobers have brought you. And yet you are already finding redemption in them. How amazing.
Finally, I said this on the last post, but I’m so glad to have you back. It’s a weird, wild world that’s taken me to the blogs I frequent and most of them can be traced back to you. Let me explain. I found your blog through a Show Us Your House link up and we had the same quirky lime and aqua high chair. I commented and followed and cried when I read a post about you sleeping on the floor in Miles’s room. Sometime later your blog lead me to A Deeper Story, which led me indirectly or directly to probably about 90% of the blogs I love now, some of which have been transformative in how I view the world and the Lord. In some small way, Emily, you changed my life. And I felt like now was as good a time as any to tell you. So, so glad to have you back in my life….uh, Reader
SD
Sarah,
Please forgive the delayed response! My weeks have been bleeding into each other. I’m happy to have lots of work, but it’s turning my brain to mush.
This came at just the right moment for me. It’s amazing to me, how this silly blog thing works sometimes. We can blog about high chairs, and it can be the start of something much bigger.
Thank you for telling me, thank you for reading my words here. Thank you friend.
Emily
I love the new look! Also? I love how you still manage to look for and see the beauty beyond the death.
I wish you all the best and much sunshine in the days ahead.
Shanon
Thank you so much Shanon!
Gloriously terrible, indeed. Such a beautiful thing to write through pain with an eye on beauty. I love you, sweet friend. XOXO
Love you back! <3
Hugs.
I’m more of a twitterer than a blog commenter, but I couldn’t not write. Your October 2012 was my October 2011, and the year since has shown me indeed how God can make beauty even in death. We haven’t met, but I’m holding your hand in spirit, quietly, in the background. I admire your brave, beautiful heart.
Oh thank you Sharone! Grateful to know that others have survived. Thank you.
Wow, such heartbreak but also such beautiful words! I have been praying for you friend. Also, LOVE the new layout!
Thank you Bree! Missed you at the 10 year reunion. It was a… blast.
Oh, Emily. How I have missed you. My darling girl, I remember last year when your sweet baby went to heaven and I prayed for you for several days as you went through such a heartbreaking loss and disappeared from my blogger/Twitter universe for a time. And then you got that tattoo on your foot to honor him and I knew I had to have one too so I was sure to give you the props as my inspiration for getting my first ink and you were so quick on the draw to Tweet me back and comment on my stars.
But you had been too quiet for too long time time. I was worried, girl. And now I read this and it makes sense, but my heart breaks for you once again. Sending you a sincere hug through my computer screen and wishing I could also bring you a pint of Ben & Jerry’s or take you out for a beer….or both.
Such a beautifully written post from an incredibly gifted woman. We are blessed to have you, Emily. Prayers coming at you once again, my friend. And as another wise voice has already said, the spring is coming.
Sarah, yes it’s been a quiet, hard season. And I would totally take Ben & Jerry’s and a beer! (But maybe not both together. Gross.)
So grateful for your friendship. Thank you.
Tears my friend. Tears. Wish I could drive over states that separate just to hug your precious neck.
Thank you Melissa! Wish you could too.
Emily, I am so sad for you, but what a beautiful way to live through it. Your family is in my prayers. Sending you love, sweet girl.
Madie, thank you so much. I appreciate it more than you know.
Welcome back, friend!
May you have more of those golden blazes lighting up the darkness and, yes, learn to forgive October.
Thank you for writing so bravely and with such strength. You’ve got a talent for this, you know. I’m glad you continue to share, even when I know it must hurt.
Best wishes,
Kara
It feels good to be back, Kara! Even writing about hard stuff, writing is so good for my soul. And thank you for your kind words.
I have tears in my eyes. Lovely words. You are in my prayers.
Thank you Julie!
I totally understand. Fall has always been my favorite season as well even in it’s death. I love that everything around is getting cooler, today is perfect. I’ve been thinking of you lately and hope our paths cross again soon.
Yes, our paths do need to cross Heidi! Plus I also have your chair.
Oh! We should have a 2nd annual trip to the boutique show!
Hang in there. November is just around the corner, with crisp mornings. “Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall” – from the Great Gatsby.
You can’t have a start without a finish.
I saw a quote the other day, “Many times new beginnings are disguised as hard endings.” I like that. Thank you Kim!
I feel a little out of breath from the catching up. Ouch. Someone else in pain, someone I love wronged. And in October, the “glorious, terrible month”. I feel just the same because it is my cancer-comes-calling month. I just had to share a couple of posts because I wrote the same thing about all the beauty coming from death after my own epiphany. Couldn’t believe it when I read your words. Never heard anyone else say that. I love you, Emily, and I guess I’m adding you permanently to my prayer list!! UGH. Life is just. so. hard.
http://www.turquoisegates.com/2010/10/dying-to-be-beautiful.html
http://www.turquoisegates.com/2010/10/dying-to-be-beautiful-part-ii.html
I feel like I’m hearing from lots of people that October holds so much joy and hurt for them as well. Loved those posts, Gen. And thank you for your prayers.
Emily- those two sentences were far more than just short. We think we can read someones blog and we become friends in a way and know them so well. Yet there is so much we miss…. my heart aches for you as you face another painful October. I am glad you are back to writing. I have missed you.
There is a song by Erin O’Donnell that says, “Hold to Jesus He’s holding on to you.” Praying you can feel His loving arms in a very real way today.
Thank you Jenn! I do feel held in such beautiful ways. I’m glad to be back.
Love you, sweet friend.
Love you back. <3
oh my i’m so sorry!
I’m terribly late to reading this profound post, but I cannot tell you how often the Lord has placed you on my heart.
The heartache is so difficult to imagine you bearing.
Winter will bring rest and renewal. Glory will rise in the Spring.